By Momanyi Lilian
You’ve probably seen my eyes linger too long on you, felt my gaze invade your privacy.
You’ve watched me lay your body bare and ravish you shamelessly.
You’ve tried hard to to let me know that your face, nay your eyes never can be found where I keep looking.
It’s been a quiet battle; your quiet protests against my unwelcome visual caresses, uninvited stares and lingering gazes.
You’ve never had the guts to tell me off, put me in my place for being direct and unabashed about it.
When you did tell me off, I may have shamelessly come onto you or licked my lips and called you a snack.
Your pleas for decency went unanswered yet again but we both knew that you’d been violated and demeaned, your purity chipped at, your identity lessened and your self worth compromised.
I have made countless excuses to justify unwelcome glances and overt infractions against you.
The line about me being a visual creature, a man appreciative of your curves has been bandied about, a lot.
To your dismay and my continued arrogance the elephant in the room has been left untouched and unspoken of.
It’s about time this situation was changed, it’s about time I offered you an apology as a start. A feeble start on an uphill task.
A small step towards undoing past offences and making up for uncalled assaults on your dignity.
You see my eyes have always been free to the point of being mutinous. I’ve taken each opportunity to let my senses feast on you.
Even when clothes covered every bit of you my eyes conspired with my mind to to lay you bare, uncover your assets.
I’ve taken delight in spreading you out and going through you as if you were an object, a painting on the wall left out for me to admire. Presented to me for my amusement.
I’ve chosen to ignore your feelings, forget your self worth and act uncouthly.
I’m sorry for not looking you in the eye.
I apologise for all the times my eyes took in the wrong details. For every uncalled for violation I beg your pardon.
I ask for your understanding, beg for your forgiveness and implore you to help me learn how to look at you differently. I’m sorry for letting my eyes become too liberal.
See I just discovered that there is a hidden depth to your eyes; a silent glow on your face; an unspoken dignity on you.
I’m learning that despite being an animal instincts shouldn’t rule my actions.
I’m learning to focus on the essentials, blur out the secondary details; savour the moments that we spend together. I’m learning to look at you and see beyond the curves peer into your being. I am trying to see your seek by looking into your eyes.
Please forgive me when I stumble, encourage me when I falter. Please pull me back up when I fall back into old habits.
I know it’s a heavy vow to make but I’m prepared to bear the weight. I’m finally taking responsibility and starting to look you in the eye, where I should have been looking in the first place.